I woke up at my camp around 5:30 a.m. I took some time to upload some blogs.
At around 8:00 a.m. I started getting my gear together and getting ready to go play handball. I did a video to talk about where I was at.
When I drove out of my camp at the entrance of the highway I looked right in the path My truck takes to get on the highway and there was an old rusted bicycle. The bicycle was hanging from a tree. Someone had placed it there decades ago. It seems that somebody came to my camp and threw the bicycle in front of my driving path. I’m guessing the plan was to pop my tires. There was a man some months back during the winter who approached my tent claiming to be environmental police. I was guessing this was a lie. This man asked me questions that I refused to answer. Ultimately I told this man to fuck off. I wondered if it had been the same man that came back checking on my camp, and possibly made an attempt to sabotage me. I was pretty upset about this. I got out of my truck, I picked up the bike, and I threw it back in the woods. While I was driving I thought to myself that I should have taken a picture and done a video right there on the spot. I guess I’ll wait till I’m back at my camp to do this.
One thing I can say about being homeless living outside is you are vulnerable. The fact that you are vulnerable makes you feel uncomfortable or in danger constantly. I can understand how drugs and alcohol diminish this emotional response. Sometimes you get comfortable after you’ve been out for a while. It’s instances like this, where somebody purposely intends harm upon me, that I’m reminded that not only am I vulnerable, there are some people that feel entitled to take advantage of that vulnerability. I may live in a tent in the woods, but it’s still my resting place, my home. I would never go to another man’s home and throw old rusted metal in front of that man’s truck in the hopes that it pops his tires. I feel fear, I feel threatened, I also feel anger.
One of the themes I have also grappled with is the fact that it wasn’t too long ago that human beings were adapted to nature. They would grow their own food, and raise their own animals. They were able to provide for themselves on a piece of land. They may have needed to buy and trade here and there for certain amenities, but they could provide for themselves from nature. There was structure to this, even when human beings were hunter-gatherers there was structure in their lives in Concord with the environment.
Now human beings in society are wholly dependent on a supply chain of products and industry beyond their control or understanding. They are either forced to make money to provide for themselves or be provided for by the working class, the wealthy, and the governments. This has left people helpless in the circumstance that they become destitute and cannot provide for themselves. They must rely on social handouts. The one hand out that is not guaranteed is shelter. And sometimes the shelter is worse than actually being on your own and staying outside. The homeless person that cannot generate income is fully dependent on charity. Their life is only as structured as what is given to them. They have nobody to take care of them and provide them shelter. A lot of times they form negative relationships with people, their environment, and mind-altering substances. This lack of structure, lack of quality relationships, lack of productivity, and lack of self-reliance erodes a person’s motivation and descends them into deeper states of suffering, mental illness, and helplessness.
I arrived at the handball court just after 9:00 a.m. only three of us showed up today. Jay, Mike, and myself. We played singles, it was a hot day, but it was good to get some exercise after laying in my camp for almost 5 days.
I left handball around 11:30 a.m. and I stop by Tacos Lupita’s and I got a burrito. After I ate I drove to my mother’s house where I hung out for a few hours. My mother and I made plans for my birthday dinner for lunch at the anchor and Beverly where I would receive delicious fried clams.
I left my mother’s house around 3:00 p.m. and I drove over to my friend Ed’s house where I hung out for a little while with him. My girlfriend and I are still working things out. She called me to come spend the night around 4:30 p.m. . I told her I’d be there around 5:30. I hung out at Ed’s for a little while longer and then I left around 5:00 p.m.
I arrived at my girlfriend’s apartment at around 5:30 p.m.
She had been wanting to do some psychedelics so I picked up some magic mushroom chocolate bars from a friend of mine. The bars were really well made and I believe that they were sent in from California. They had covers and everything on them explaining dosage and all that. I gave her the crunch bar, there were other flavors, and she ate the whole thing real quick. I didn’t eat the mushroom bar right away and I told her that I wanted to take a shower first. When I got out of the shower she was already starting to feel the effects of the psilocybin and mushrooms. I joined her and I ate a whole chocolate bar too.
I think we took too much! After about a half hour she began to trip really hard. She began to freak out! She was screaming and yelling, she was stumbling around. At one point she was kicking and flailing around in the bathroom. She was yelling that she didn’t like this, she would say that her head was hurting. She had a full psychotic break. She was so angry and full of rage and anger and hate. I kept asking her to stay on the bed and I had to hold her while she was flailing around. I was scared to death. The demons inside her are extreme. It was almost like watching an exorcism. It was almost 2 hours of this. At certain points I had to hold her tight to keep her from flailing around or falling off the bed. At some point she would scream and yell. It was truly frightening, and whatever demons she has inside of her are darker than anything I’ve ever seen. She would say things like she hates people and she doesn’t care. Like she hates so wholeheartedly and does not care about anyone, it was dark pure hatred. After about 2 hours she began to calm down, she was still angry and expressing anger and hate towards working with inappropriate men, she seemed to be releasing trauma from the abuses she had experienced in her life. When she became conversational again, I explained to her that I saw something in her that I would never understand. I know that she has had horrible things happen to her, she’s been victimized. I could never ever understand what it’s like to be victimized, raped, sexually abused, objectified, or made to feel completely worthless. When she settled down it was okay. We were able to have a decent time and connect. I feel sorry for what she harbors inside herself.