Close to the End, Thinking about myself, thinking about the future.
I woke up around 8:00 a.m. at my girlfriend’s apartment. I spent the morning researching mobile home lots in trailer parks. These things are almost impossible to find. I looked everywhere, and some of the trailer parks didn’t even have phone numbers. After hours of researching and searching I came to the confusion that the only way to move a mobile home to a new location would be to buy a plot of land and put the mobile home there yourself and put in all the hookups. It just didn’t seem worth it to me. Like the mobile home mogul of the North shore Massachusetts area told me, “He wouldn’t pay $1 for that mobile home.”
My girlfriend woke up around 11:00 a.m. She had to go pick up her son around 2:00 p.m. We spent some time discussing her displeasure with me. More like her disgust and anger towards me. It was very difficult and I’ve given up on trying to defend myself. I just asked for forgiveness and asked that she would stop attacking me verbally. Eventually she kind of calmed down, she admitted that we had come to a resolution. I don’t want to discuss too much about our personal relationship, but I will say what the whole thing was over:
I had discussed with my previous girlfriend helping me do some filming with my project while we were still together. This never came to fruition, I ended up breaking it off with my ex and months later I got together with my current girlfriend. I had mentioned to my current girlfriend that I thought about my ex helping me with camera work about a year and a half ago when our relationship started. By the time I was with my current girlfriend I decided that I would either find a cameraman in the street, or do it myself. One day in our early relationship she had asked about my project, and I directed her to read the blogs. She was livid at the fact that I did not ask her to be involved in my homeless project or be the camera person. Hundreds of texts, name-calling, hateful comments, yelling and screaming, and just being plain nasty and harassing had come from that. There’s obviously other things too, such as mental breakdowns for frivolous reasons, but this is what she was using to attack me now. I hurt her feelings and I needed to pay.
My girlfriend and I left the apartment around 1:00 p.m. I decided to drive to my camp in Middleton to see if it was still standing. I hadn’t been there for over a month. While I was driving my girlfriend texted me and called me a couple times about small things. Suddenly she called me and I answered and put her on speaker. Once again after all the work that we did, coming to a resolution, and moving beyond our problem, she began to verbally attack me again. Same thing, yelling, accusing, blaming. Saying things that it’s my fault that she treats me badly because I triggered her and if I hadn’t done anything bad in the past then it wouldn’t happen. I finally said, for the 4th or 5th time in our off and on relationship, enough is enough. I told my girlfriend I’m breaking up with her. I’m sick of her character assassinating me, and trying to justify her awful behavior. I love her deeply, especially the good side, but she’s so full of hate and can never forgive. It’s everyone else’s fault that she has suffered, even when she has treated people terribly in the past. She will always attack the people that love her.
This obviously upset her, and then the stream of messages began. I put her messages on silent. I’m not going to block her this time. In 2 months I will start a new life. I want to do it peacefully, without this insanity.
I drove to my hidden campsite. When I walked upon my camp it was still intact. Just the way I left it with a little mold and the air mattress being somewhat deflated. I was happy about this. I figured I might stay here for a few days and get my head right. Knowing that my ex-girlfriend will be texting me and bothering me non-stop, telling me what a terrible awful person I am. That’s one of her favorite things to do.
I stayed in the campsite for the rest of the day, only leaving to get a couple lobster rolls, chips, and some crackers from Market Basket. I ate the lobster rolls in the truck. The snacks were for the tent so that I don’t get hungry if I end up staying there all day tomorrow.
I worked on getting caught up on a lot of my writing. I messaged a few friends and one of my friends told me that they would never be able to live homeless. I replied, “Anyone could live homeless. From what I’ve learned there are ways of going about it that makes it easier. We live in a status driven society. Dignity and its opposite Shame are deep seated social emotions that drive a good portion of human action. In the land of the free there are restraints and freedoms found in all walks of life.”
I stand by this statement, it’s not only our drive for comfort and security that make us civilized. It is our need to fit in to feel that we are dignified and worthy of honor and respect.
The air mattress in the tent had some kind of leak in it. It would lose air in the night and then I find myself sleeping on the floor of the tent, on the hard ground. I had found a massage bed next to my buddies dumpster we’re trying to throw in my truck, it looked cool and probably expensive so I figured I might find a use for it. I’m glad I did because I set it up in the tent and I ended up sleeping on it that night.