After my girlfriend’s episode last night I finally decided I could not live with her. Not yet, she would have to go at least three or four months without having an episode of screaming, nastiness, and just plain cruel communication towards me. She woke up in a decent mood, I talked to her and I told her that I would find a place for myself to stay. She wasn’t happy about it, but I said that we could work on moving in together at some point. She seemed to understand.
I drove my car towards the Lowell library, and parked on a side street with no pay by plate. I hit up the bodega for some Spanish rice, chicken, and an egg, and went to the library to work.
I’ve struggled to stay outside this month. Issues with my girlfriend, the impending changes of going back to work, and not having a place, along with being burned out on living outside and seeing all the suffering in the street has gotten me to a place of non-enthusiasm towards homeless living. Although I’m still squatting at my girlfriend’s apartment, I have no desire to continue staying outside and living that way. I know there’s still a few things I want to do before this is done. My focus now is readjusting to the rat race and taking what I’ve learned with me as well as sharing it with the world.
One of the things that I’ve noticed is that it’s hard to keep a day to day experience of exploration and novelty. My brain craves routine and comfort. More than any strain that I’ve experienced is that of loneliness. I think this is why I continuously cycle back into a relationship that has so many flaws. But this isn’t completely true, because I’ve had partners in the past that have provided me with company and comfort, but what was lacking was a romantic flair. What is it about combining factors in our day-to-day activity that carves out a quality of life. We crave different things on so many different levels that our lives become difficult due to our inability to accept that which is before us. In some senses I believe that the plethora of options and information that we’re bombarded with causes us to generate unrealistic expectations for ourselves. With the craving of more comfort and pleasure comes the unrealistic pursuit of such ends, and in many situations we end up feeling short changed. This inability to find lasting gratification causes psychological turmoil in the sense that we crave deeper levels of satisfaction, in a world full of people that are fundamentally flawed, especially ourselves for wanting so much from a flawed world. Our flaw is craving, the pain is not getting what we crave, all the other negative emotions follow this stream of dissatisfaction.
I hung out at Lowell library for a while, then drove to Arlington and hung out at the library waiting to do a room viewing near by. I also took a walk through an old graveyard in Arlington. One grave stood out to me. It mentioned that one man’s operation in life was to do good. Something I strive for in my own life. Although I feel sometimes I fall short.
The realtor met me around 6pm to show the room. I loved the room. Now I just have to do all the paperwork. I’m always worried about my history. Hopefully it doesn’t come up in the background check.
I jumped on a meeting with my new work for the big recovery event that they hold every year. I saw a lot of familiar faces and it was a good experience.
I talked to my girlfriend and she said I could come spend the night. Things got bad when I got there. She was still being really nasty and mean. I just laughed at her and I watched my show, which I started doing because I refused to feed into her negativity. Her behavior continued to decline. Eventually she took a pillow and was laying in the bathtub, I refused to feed into her childish bullshit. She began freaking out and came over to the bed and tried to take the comforter from me. I held on to it. She then began jumping around flailing around trying to get the blanket, so I let go to give it to her and she fell on the floor. She then went into her little room and was in there for a couple minutes. I went in to check on her. She was kneeling down bent over hyperventilating she was so angry. I told her I was sorry and checked to see if she was all right. She then came out screaming telling me to leave. So I left, and she followed me out the door screaming and yelling and then she came outside of the building yelling at me and she didn’t even have the keys to get back in. I drove off and I beeped at her twice. She began to text and call me frantically. I was on the highway going to go back to my camp in the woods. She begged me to come back to her apartment and she promised me that she would not bother me, scream at me, call me nasty names, and say nasty things to me. I told her I would come back if she admitted that she has a problem. Reluctantly she admitted she had a problem. I, being a man of my word, turned the car around and I drove back to her apartment hoping that she would calm down and understand that her behavior is psychotic.
I parked and I went back upstairs into the apartment and once again she began to harass me, yell at me, and then she told me that when she said that she admitted to having a problem that she was lying. She promised she wouldn’t continue acting crazy, so I asked her, “could you please just be quiet, you promised me?” She wouldn’t stop saying nasty things, so I got my stuff and was preparing to leave. She blocked the door and wouldn’t let me leave. I tried to open the door and she kept pushing against the door. I had the door cracked with my hand in the door. She began pushing the door on my fingers. I got my hand out but my other arm was also in the crack of the door. She was pushing the door on my arm. I pulled my arm out of the crack in the door, and the door slammed. I was trying not to put hands on her. I just wanted to open the door and leave. I was asking her to move so that I could leave. She fell down on the floor and she pushed her legs against the counter so that her back was pressed up against the door. It was impossible to open the door this way. I told her to move and she wouldn’t move so I grabbed her by her sweatshirt and I pulled her on the floor a little ways so that I could open the door and leave. She continued screaming at me and yelling at me and saying that I was abusive. I had no choice but to move her from the door so that I could leave. There were marks on my arm and on my fingers. All in all I do not think there’s any fixing the terrible monster that she actually is.
After I left she continued to message me and call me and threaten me and say that I was a woman beater and an abuser. I corrected her and I told her that it was actually her who was abusing me. She sent pictures of the marks on her back and said it was from dragging her on a smooth hardwood floor which was not true. The marks that were on her back were from her pressing her back against the door so that I couldn’t leave. She sent me tons of text messages and would call incessantly. I answered the phone a few times and tried to talk to her so that she calmed down. I swapped my smaller car out for my truck. I drove to my camp where I stayed the night. She continued to message me through the night.