I woke up in the tent around 5:30 a.m. I forced myself to sleep until around 7:30. I slept well, but there’s too much I don’t want to deal with. I ate the rest of my sandwich from the night before. I went to relieve myself at my tree bathroom. I’m stuck in this tent. I think for the first time I feel helpless. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t have a plan. I can sustain and I can survive, but I am lost. The idea of some scumbag who I considered somewhat of a friend trying to fuck my girlfriend, my girlfriend completely going off the rails with her psychotic shirt, and having to figure out my life in the next month has got me stuck. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. I’m just sitting and I’m waiting and I’m thinking. I have some ideas, I have some avenues. But I don’t know what’s going to come of my life and my situation. I don’t want to make the wrong decision. I also don’t want to wait too long before making the right decision. I sit in the tent looking at Facebook and Twitter and I’m watching the episodes I missed of Billions. I ate all the food that I’d gotten the day before. I spent some time outside the tent at my table. I rolled some cigarettes and I drank the last two beers I had. By the end of the night I was only left with almonds and dark chocolate Reese’s pieces cups. I was able to talk to my girlfriend. She started texting me again and it is of her opinion that we’re not broken up although she said all those nasty things to me and said that it was over. I’m still super depressed. I’ve decided to stay at the camp out in the woods for the next couple days. If I go see her it’ll be on Saturday.
Around 8:30 p.m. laying on my air mattress I’ve had a headache all day. I began to think of how miserable I am with her and her outbursts. It’s the first time since being homeless that I thought that I wanted to die. I remember staying out in the woods in Salem, I had thought that I was not afraid to die, I was at peace in nature. Going through this fucking roller coaster with this girl I’ve come to a place where I’d rather die than continue going through this bullshit.